When did falling in love go out of style?

"Falling in love is easy, staying in love is hard"

I often get asked for dating advice. And while I'm never shy about giving it, I always end it with "of course, I'm 33, divorced and single....so I may not be the best person to ask". Maybe I'm right, maybe I don't know what I'm talking about, but maybe, just maybe, I'm on to something here.

"Love is a cycle: When you love, you get hurt. When you hurt, you hate. When you hate, you try to forget. When you try to forget, you start missing. And when you start missing, you eventually fall in love again."

I'm 33. I've had high school sweethearts, college boyfriends, gotten married and divorced, and started dating all over again. And in that time, I've dated, I've fallen in love, I've pushed great guys away, I've ran, I've stopped believing in fairy tale endings, and fallen in love with the idea of falling in love all over again. That's what we do isn't it? We go through these emotional cycles to help cope with our emotions. We open ourselves up, let our guard down, fall for someone. But then, when it doesn't work out, we swear we'll never do it again, build those walls back up, give up on the idea of dating, and shut off our emotions. The first few dates we attempt don't count because we aren't ready. We know we aren't ready, but we try anyways. So those poor dates never even stand a chance because at the slightest hint of an emotion, we push them away and let our fears and insecurities run the show.  Then we get a little stronger, our hearts heal a bit more and we venture out to start the cycle again. Or at least, that's what I'd like to think happens. But somewhere along the way, between online dating, social media that consumes the majority of our time, and the fact that a large percentage of societies "happiness" is based off of the amount of "likes" and attention they receive on each post, somewhere in the progression of all of that, our generation has forgotten how to date. We try to find happiness in the superficial, in the amount of attention we get online, in sharing memes and videos of strangers doing ridiculous things. We put some much effort into presenting our lives to the world in the prettiest packages, that we shy away from truly living.

"I asked a kid "what is love"? He answered "love is when a puppy licks your face, even after you left him alone all day".

The idea of falling in love is one of the most dominant themes in our lives. We see it in movies, read about it in books, listen to countless songs about it, so why are we so afraid of it? Right now you're probably thinking "I'm not afraid", well, if you've ever had your heartbroken, then I'm calling your bluff. Of course you're afraid, everyone is. But here's the difference. Instead of feeling the pain, learning and growing, our generation has come up with a whole new way to totally screw things up. We've learned how to "swipe right".

"Social media has ruined love because it is distracting to relationships, it takes away from face to face confrontation, and quite frankly social media is tearing couples apart"

With the advances in technology and the fast paced lives that we live, there isn't time to date. And if you think dating is hard now, wait until your a single parent and trying to fit it in between getting kids to school, working a 40+ hour week, after school activities, getting dinner and laundry done, squeezing in a workout between getting kids in the bath, and in my case, trying to get some studying done so I don't flunk out of my bachelors degree. Our day go from 7:00 am until midnight. So, the concept of dating seems out of reach. Luckily, we have those wonderful advances in technology. It's a convenience really. We can set up a profile, list all of the positive qualities about ourselves, post pictures with just the right lighting, and depth in them to show off our adventurous, or glamorous, or wild side. Then just it back and wait. It doesn't take long before you have a plethora of choices. It's like shooting fish in a barrel. You aren't overly concerned about 1 or 2 bad dates because you have an inbox full of other guys or girls just lined up to give you attention.

"Social media provides too much familiarity too soon, leads us to become critics of every single post, and convinces us that the grass is greener on the other side"

Here is the flaw. And not just a little crack, this one blows everything to pieces. It's what that all so addicting technology has done to us. We are ruined by it. We've gotten so consumed with how the world looks through instagram posts that we have forgotten what the real world is truly like. We don't take the time to get to know someone on a first date because the minute they don't check the boxes on our list, we instantly become dismissive and retreat back to our inbox of candidates. We've over dramatized and fantasized about how things should be. So much of our time is spent looking at life through social media, that we have forgotten the most basic traits that make us human. So, how do we fix this?

1) LET YOURSELF LIVE IN THE MOMENT
It's so easy to get caught up scrolling through memes, photography from around the world, or whatever it is that catches your eye. You can spend an hour staring at your phone and not even realize how much time has gone by. Learn to put your phone down and allow yourself to get lost instead in whats happening all around you. When I was growing up, it was rude to phone someones house after 6:00 pm. Now, we go on dates and find every opportunity to pull out our phones. This has to stop. Put your phone away and actually get to know the person you are with. Focus your time and energy on them. Isn't that the whole purpose of dating?

2) LIMIT THE TIME SPENT DAILY ON SOCIAL MEDIA
Most of the phones today allow you to set daily time limits for social media. Set a limit for yourself and you'll be shocked at how quickly you hit that limit. Do you remember when you were a kid and you didn't want to go to bed because you were so sure you would miss something? We've trained our brains to react the same way. Most people never even have their phones out of arms length. That's gotta change. Trust me, no life altering post is going to be shared in the time that you aren't staring at your screen.

3)THE GRASS IS NEVER GREENER
I don't care how perfect someone portrays their life to be online, the grass is never greener. Everyone has their fair share of problems to deal with and no amount of perfectly staged posts is going to change that.

4) STOP BEING SO JUDGMENTAL
We don't give our dates a fair chance anymore. Instead, we instantly size them up against other matches, checking off the things we like and don't like about them. But in reality, what do you even really know about this person? You've set aside a few hours to go out and get to know someone, so actually do it. Open up your mind and let yourself have fun. Even if they don't turn out to be your perfect match, there are bound to be things about them that you have in common. Give them enough respect to really invest in finding common interests and getting to know some things about them.

5) STOP POSTING EVERY SINGLE THING YOU DO
You've heard of maintaining a bit of mystery, well that's virtually impossible to do when every detail of your life is broadcast to the world. How could you be excited to get to know someone when you could just view it all in a matter of minutes? Let certain things be kept offline. And for the love of Pete, please don't take a picture of your food during a date just to post it!

6)STOP WITH THE OVER THE TOP OOEY GOOEY LOVE POSTS
You can post 100 photos raving about your swolemate, or how truly in love you are and plaster each one with hashtag after hashtag of #meanttobe, #soinlove #wcw, etc. But not even 100 posts will hold a candle to the power of face to face interactions. Stop telling the world how much you love your partner, and tell your partner instead. The constant over the top love posts are actually feelings of insecurity in the relationship that are being disguised as false confidence. Write your partner a note, hug them from behind, make time to have lunch with them, plan a weekly date night. These gestures are far more powerful than any #soinlove #luckiestguyintheworld will ever be.

I said it before, I'm no expert. I'm a 33 year old single mom. But I've been in love, had my heart broken, sworn off dating, gotten lonely, became hopeful, tested the waters again, and re-started the cycle all over again. I may not have found my perfect match, or my happily ever after yet. But I certainly have learned what love is not. Call me an old school romantic, but in my opinion, they were on to something back then.