All I could do was sit, wait, and hope.

*This post isn't motivational, humorous or uplifting. But I needed to get my feelings out. If this serves no purpose but that, I will have succeeded. However if there are other parents out there who have gone through or are still going through similar experiences, I hope it helps to know that you aren't alone. I welcome any and all feedback. 


It's always sudden, out of nowhere, and when you least expect it. You never think it's going to happen to you, and you're never prepared for it. 

"There is no pain greater than to be helpless in the face of a loved ones suffering."

On September 25, 2017 at 6:52 pm, my daughter Cali started having a seizure. She had continuous seizures until 9:15pm with the longest one lasting over 45 minutes. The doctors and nurses were constantly working to try and stop the seizure but it just kept going. It's amazing what that kind of adrenaline does to a parent. I remember sitting on the side of her bed, holding her body so she was on her side, suctioning her airway every few seconds so she could breathe while at the same time keeping her chin down so she wouldn't lock her jaw and risk closing her airway all together. It's not that I didn't feel any emotion, it's that I was so focused on helping her that I didn't have time to feel. When the final seizure ended, I climbed on the bed and wrapped my body around hers, it wasn't until I felt her completely relax that I knew they had ended. Her muscles stopped tensing, her eyes finally shut and her mind and body found peace. 

It's been nearly a month since this happened, and I'm still struggling to even find the words to say. I've dealt with seizures before, I've carried her limp body into Emergency rooms many times, but this was a whole new monster. This time I felt fear like I've never felt before. There is no hurt that can equal that of when your child is struggling and in pain and there is nothing you can do to help. 

Her recovery took much longer this time. Two days went by before she was able to even walk to the bathroom on her own without collapsing and wetting herself. Neurological and cognitive deficits were present for the same amount of time, you could see how confused and frustrated she became when she couldn't get the words to form, not to mention the fog that settles in your mind as your body and brain work to heal. 

Like I mentioned earlier, some time has gone by, and she is back to her normal, cheerful self again. But I can't help but stay on edge, the fear that took over hasn't seemed to dissipate. I know it will happen again, it's just a matter of time. What scares me the most is that each episode is stronger than the last, they get longer, stronger, and harder to control. She is a strong little girl, both physically and emotionally, but no child should have to deal with this.